RST
by LaylanatorXVII
Summary: Harry is fed up with Ron and Hermione's UST and takes matters into his own hands. And God bless Luna Lovegood. Takes place during "The Half Blood Prince." Rated for language and mentions but nothing graphic. Please review, first fic in this fandom. Details and disclaimers inside.


_A/N: So, my brother and I were watching "the Half Blood Prince," and all of a sudden I was like, "Harry should just put his foot down with those two and say that they got down and dirty in the hospital wing" and then I threw out one of the lines in here and he laughed, and thus, this was born._

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 _Some of the dialogue at the beginning is taken directly from the movie. The rest is my own creation._

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 **WARNINGS: Cursing, and mentions of sex, but nothing I would consider graphic.**

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 **DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I do not own Harry Potter or any of the associated characters. They belong to JK Rowling. I'm just scraping at the edge of the sandbox and harboring a fierce jealousy of her far superior sand castle.**

 _._

 _Constructive criticism is gratefully accepted._

 _Flames will be used to evaporate the tears I shed every time I reflect on how awesome Neville is._

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Harry stared across the breakfast table at his two best friends wondering how on earth they had, yet again, worked themselves into this vicious cycle of circling around each other. It was infuriating.

"Tell me how I broke up with Lavender again?" Ron said, turning to look at Hermione, who suddenly looked rather uneasy.

"Well…she came to visit you in the hospital," she began, shifting anxiously in her seat. "And you…talked." She paused awkwardly before continuing. "I don't believe it was a particularly long conversation."

Harry loved Ron and Hermione dearly, but sometimes he just wanted to throttle the both of them for being so daft. It was ridiculous. Hermione was supposed to be the brightest witch in their year, and Ron was usually so blunt he couldn't slice butter. Where was their Gryffindor courage? Just _say_ it already, for pity's sake.

Harry jolted back to the present as Hermione spoke again, tone caught somewhere between caution and half-hearted hopefulness.

"And you don't remember anything, about that night? Anything…at all?"

Ron opened his mouth to reply, but Harry had had enough.

.

He slammed his goblet down on the table, sloshing pumpkin juice everywhere. Hermione and Ron started and turned in his direction with lifted eyebrows.

Harry steeled his jaw and leaned forward over the table. "You said Hermione's name, Ron. Moaned it, really. And then you did the deed right there on the hospital cot in front of all the professors."

Ron's eyes popped wide open. Hermione's jaw dropped and she made a little choking noise. If Harry weren't so utterly _done_ with all their bullshit, he would have been worried that she had suffered a stroke.

"We did _no-"_

"I didn't know you could bend like that, Hermione." Harry interrupted.

Blood rushed to her face and all the air seemed to leave her body with an audible _huff._

Harry turned abruptly to Ron, who seemed to have stopped breathing. "And, seriously, mate: did you do an Engorgement Charm or what, because I've never seen anything like that before."

Harry noted vaguely that they were beginning to attract stares. He noticed Ginny, two seats down from Ron and Hermione, seemed to be choking on her own laughter.

"Even Snape looked like he was getting a little hot under the collar."

Ron, for his part, looked like he was about to combust.

Harry cast around his mind for other details to throw in (and coming up alarmingly blank) when, miraculously, Luna drifted dreamily in behind him and crooned, "Ron, Hermione, good show yesterday. I hear it was _quite_ the sight to see."

She smiled serenely, tucking her issue of _the Quibbler_ more securely under her arm. Then she leaned over Harry's shoulder, her sheet of long blonde hair brushing the table, and whispered confidentially, "Oh, and Madam Pomphrey would like to speak with you. " She paused, eyes innocently wide. "To discuss damages," she clarified.

Suddenly, she straightened, smiling brightly.

"Ta, all." She chirped, and waltzed gracefully away, narrowly avoiding a collision with a wall as a considerate Ravenclaw gently tugged her to the side and steered her through the entrance to the Great Hall.

.

Harry noticed Ginny out of the corner of his eye, face hidden in her folded arms, shoulders shaking as she fought to remain quiet.

He turned back to Ron and Hermione and nearly burst into laughter himself, despite his best efforts. He bit it back just in time.

They resembled nothing so much as large, humanoid tomatoes. They were both sitting straight in their chairs, backs stiff, faces burning scarlet, staring resolutely ahead. Judging by Hermione's expression, she was caught somewhere between abject mortification and murderous rage. Harry sensed that she would make him pay, dearly, for this later.

But, if the covert glances they kept shooting at each other and the grin beginning to pull at Ron's mouth were anything to go by, oh, it would be worth it.

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 _You know you spend too much time in a fandom when you are mystified as to why "Ravenclaw" is not in the Microsoft Word dictionary. *Shrug*_

 _Luna is my baby, that sweet ditzy girl._

 _Please leave a review and tell me what you thought about my first foray into this particular fandom. Thanks for reading._


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